The ZoSan Postman AU
by mustangisinflames
Summary: An zosan AU collection of drabbles from my Tumblr that really seems to have took off in which Zoro is a directionally challenged postman and Sanji is his very dissatisfied customer. Cover art by Yuushishio
1. Chapter 1

It was eight in the morning and Sanji had had enough.

The plan was simple, to wait by the post box and finally confront that moron of a postman. No, Sanji wasn't just a lunatic who had an obsession for jumping postmen so perhaps that needed some more context… The postal service had hired a new postman and he was the most awful, pathetic excuse of a postman Sanji had ever known. He'd never actually met the guy personally, but he could make a pretty sound judgement that he was a complete idiot from the very fact that he always turned up late and Sanji ended up with post that was supposed to be delivered to an address three streets away.

What a fucking idiot.

So here he was, waiting at the end of his drive with the nosey old woman over the road thinking that he couldn't see her watching him nosily through the lace net she had at the window, and his arms folded over his chest crossly because it was freezing cold this morning and he'd refused to get changed in case that shit head of a postman wandered by whilst he was getting ready. So he was stood waiting in the freezing cold with the nosy old woman eying him up and down as he tried not to shiver ever so slightly in his scruffy old blue shirt and black boxers.

Fucking postman.

It was half nine in the morning when a confused looking man wandered past him, paused, looked left and then right, and then back to Sanji before back tracking. By then Sanji was cold, hungry, and ratty, and still stood in his fucking pyjamas on the fucking drive with the old woman over the road still fucking looking at him.

"Uh," Said the very confused looking man and Sanji noticed he had green hair and for some reason it angered him, "Post?"

Sanji didn't even look the postman (if you could even call this man that) in the face he was so mad, and his anger flared up at seeing the wrong address on the envelopes outstretched to him. He snapped. Throwing his arms up, he pointed at his own house, "Does that look like it has twenty-seven floors to you?! No? Well that's because it's a house and not a fucking flat! What is wrong with you? Do you even know what street you're on? Are you constantly lost every time you deliver the post? Is that it?!"

"Yo, buddy, calm the fuck down. It's just an accident-" The annoying postman with the stupid fucking green hair began to say but Sanji was in full swing now.

"An accident?! You've been giving me the wrong post for the past four months. FOUR MONTHS! Are you that much of an idiot because I- Well fuck." Sanji had took that moment to scream at the dumbass postman in the face but the moment his eyes looked up… Well, "Shit…"

Sanji hadn't betted on the postman being hot but apparently that was a thing now happening and as those dark eyes looked down at him in an equally as dark frown, Sanji looked away and down because holy shit the postman was hot. But looking down proved as equally as dumb a move when his gaze met the pair of tanned legs cut off mid thigh by black shorts which clung to narrow hips where the man's red postbag hung.

"You gonna finish that insult or has that stupid curly eyebrow of yours hypnotised you?" The postman sneered, voice deep and rich and came from a perfectly angled and shaped jaw with soft looking lips.

"Hot." Sanji blurted before he could stop himself.

"What?" The postman said, blinking in surprise, and Sanji wanted to go and kick himself in the face. He forced a laugh.

"Damn. Hot damn its cold! Good bye!" Sanji clutched the letters to his chest, spun on his heel and fled to the door and into the house, ignoring the postman's shout that that wasn't his post to take.

Fucking postman.


	2. Chapter 2

Zoro had walked the same postal route for the past four days since the confrontation with his less than happy customer who he remembered to be a squawking blond mess with a sour attitude.

And, also, that fucking bizarre eyebrow.

Seriously, did the guy curl it or something? No way was it natural and it definitely wasn't fashionable either (Zoro knew very little about fashion but come on, they were awful). He intended to tell the blond so himself but he hadn't seen him since and Zoro had even been delivering the wrong post deliberately in an attempt to goad him to come out but to no avail.

He shrugged it off, whatever, it looked like he'd won this round.

Stupid blond.

Speaking of, Zoro walked along the path and came to a stop at the said man's doorstep. He looked at the address on the very formal looking envelope and then at the door number plates and shrugged. Eh, at least the numbers matched.

Something in him, strangely, wished that the blond hot head would swing the door open and berate him for having done his job wrong just for the chance to have an argument but that didn't happen. The door remained as silent and unmoving as it had the past four days. He pushed the envelope through the letter slot and turned on his heel, annoyingly snagging the rug under his sole and causing the two milk bottles on the step to topple over and he cursed, stooping to right them when he noticed the small envelope underneath them and assumed it was for the milkman, so he made to slot it between the two glass bottles when he caught the fancy, curled script on the front in black ink.

'Shitty Postman' it read and it irked but amused him as well to read it.

He tore it open a little clumsily and withdrew the small piece of folded parchment, expecting a snarky letter of complaint but was completely thrown by the strip of neatly written numbers followed by a name but his gaze wasn't drawn to that right now, only the numbers. It took him a moment to process it, but it eventually clicked.

It was a mobile phone number.

Zoro frowned, what did he need his number for? He shrugged, folded it back up and stuffed it into his pocket.

Weird curly-brow.


	3. Chapter 3

Fine. Fine, you know what? Two can play at this game, shitty moss postman.

It had been ten days since Sanji had left that impromptu note next to the milk bottles on his doorstep and had spent those days literally attached to his phone as if it were a lost limb. He'd been excited at first, then worried, and now, now he was just plain annoyed. Just one call or text would have sufficed, and he knew the mossy bastard had taken the letter because it was no longer there when he came home from work.

This was that entire shitty postman's fault. If he hadn't have been so hot then Sanji wouldn't have been so stupid as to have tried to score a number from the guy. Why did the postman have to be hot?! In retrospect he felt like an idiot now compared to the overly confident version of him who had had the audacity to leave the number for an incredibly hot but very crap postman with his stupid green hair and nice legs with incredibly unfair hip gripping shorts attached to them. The guy was probably already taken anyways. He could imagine the postman and his partner laughing about it right now.

Oh God, what had he done…

He looked up out of the window he was sat beside as someone walked past even though he knew that the postman had done his road already but it didn't hurt to be a little hopeful, right? He turned back to his laptop resting on his crossed legs with the Google homepage loaded up and an idea came to him even brighter than the screen in front of him.

He'd order some post.

Perfect. If the mossy postman wasn't going to deliver him texts he sure as hell would have to deliver him post.

He threw up some searches and grinned to himself. Oh, he knew exactly what he would order.

Zoro didn't have a mobile phone which, in this day and age, made very little sense. He seemed to be trapped in old ways, preferring a landline with a message recorder that he could play back, not that many people called him nowadays besides Luffy and the odd PPI Insurance claim and scams going round. He'd left the mysterious angry blond's envelope and number besides the phone on the small side table in the small living room with the full intent to ring: he quite liked the idea of annoying the man down the phone as well. But he'd yet to think up some good material to use on him for maximum anger effect and Luffy had been calling him to his boxing matches all week long and he couldn't exactly turn his best friend down.

Tonight had been a late one, and he threw his kit bag down on his bedroom floor and placed the practice swords for his kendo in the wardrobe neatly where they belonged and finally, finally, flopped down face first onto his bed, taking great relief in the weight off his tired legs. His mind briefly wandered amongst things as he began to fall asleep and he thought to the swirly brow's number by his phone and tensed with realisation and regret before reassuring himself.

Tomorrow. He'd definitely call tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Prompt: dhfkjsdfsdf For the ZoSan postman AU! Sanji tries to flirt with Zoro but Zoro is too much of an idiot to see ... so Sanji starts ordering lots of sex toys that Zoro ends up having to deliver ^w^**

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Zoro had a very good idea of what was in the box. A very good idea.

It wasn't even discreetly wrapped. With its broad base and thinner body and top, Zoro could clearly see just what Mr S. Black (aka the blond shit who'd yelled at him the other day) had ordered.

A dildo. It was clearly a dildo. And maybe Zoro only knew that because he'd ordered a couple himself once but that was besides the point.

Zoro now had to deliver a dildo to this shithead of a guy.

It wasn't even something he could push through the letterbox and forget about. Oh no, this would have to be a knock-on-the-door and sign for it transaction. He was pissed off.

And also slightly impressed at the size of the order...

But mainly pissed off. He didn't want to hand over a dildo face to face with a guy he knew was going to use it and okay, maybe the glance he'd took of the furious blond that one time gave him the impression he was very attractive, but that meant he'd be distracted by the thought of knowing exactly what handsome Mr S. Black was going to be doing with it and plus it was just downright embarrassing- nowhere in his job description did it say he would be delivering sex toys.

He marched up the blond's driveway, head down, box gripped in one hand, clipboard and pen in the other with the full intention of getting this over and done with as quick as possible when the fucking shithead opened the door with the biggest shit eating grin Zoro had ever seen in his life on that smug face.

The blond leaned against the doorway cockily, his lithe body covered by and oversized jumper that hung of his frame loosely and a pair of tight fitted jeans that clung in all the right places- not that Zoro was looking at all. His grin, somehow, seemed to become even more cocky, and the one visible stupid curled eyebrow raised a fraction, "You got a big package to show me there?" He said brashly, and Zoro simply sneered; what an asshole this guy was.

Zoro ignored him and reached the door, shoving the box at him and barely waiting for him to catch it before shoving the clipboard at him with a gruff, "Sign here."

The blond tutted softly and signed in that same spidery font, 'Sanji Black'. Well, at least Zoro knew the asshole's name now. Sanji Black handed the clipboard back and Zoro could see the little brown freckles that ran askew across the bridge of his small nose and cheeks. The fringe of his blond hair blocked his right eye from view but the one he could see was startlingly blue.

Sanji Black grinned, "Why don't you come and unwrap this with me?"

Zoro couldn't tell what it was in the blond's voice but it made him feel indescribably weird and that made him feel annoyed. He scowled back in return, "Piss off."

Sanji raised his eyebrow again but this time in amusement, "Have it your way then."

"I will." Zoro said, snatching the clipboard back and turning on his heel, feeling Sanji's gaze on his back the whole way down the drive, and even when he looked back over his shoulder he saw Sanji still standing there, still grinning that fucking smug grin.

What an asshole.


	5. Chapter 5

**Prompt: This may sound completely stupid, but can Sanji order something like flowers, and when Zoro delivers them, Sanji gives them back, saying they're for Zoro?**

* * *

Zoro had been dreading returning back to Sanji Black's house to deliver his post ever since the dildo incedent. He didn't like the way Sanji could just weasel his way in under his skin and rub him up the wrong way entirely, but there was something about that smug face and that arrogant attitude that made Zoro miss it when he wasn't around. Even so, Zoro hadn't been looking forward to what the post office would hand him to deliver this morning but was surprised when a bouquet of colourful flowers were shoved at him. Surprised...

...and horrified.

The other flowers were fine, but the three of the biggest were not. Three large white lilies in full blossom and Zoro was allergic to them. He instantly felt his nose starting to itch when he was passed them and it only worsened as he worked his route, despite tucking them safely into his postbag. He'd lost track of how many times he'd sneezed and his eyes were beginning to water and people in the streets were giving him slightly insulting odd looks as he kept stopping every few steps to sneeze horrendously loud. It was ironically a relief to arrive at the door he'd been dreading and he didn't even care that the blond had opened the door with that fucking shitty smile that pissed him off so bad. Zoro didn't even bother to be polite. Fuck the customer. And fuck this customer in particular.

"Take these fucking flowers," He snapped, shoving the bouquet at the man and barely giving him chance to take it before violently sneezing.

Sanji jeered, "Didn't think a tough looking guy like you could be so destroyed by flowers."

That pissed Zoro off even more, "How 'bout you go fuck yourself and give those damn weeds to your girlfriend or whatever."

"I don't have a girlfriend," Sanji said nonchalantly, "These are for you."

Zoro frowned, confused, "Wha-?"

Sanji sighed and flicked his fringe a little, "Flowers. For. You." He held the death trap of a bouquet out to him and Zoro said dumbly,

"But I'm allergic to lilies."

"Well, I'll take them out then," Sanji said simply, and plucked them out the cluster of petals and stems before holding it back out, "There."

Zoro wasn't doing it consciously, it was as if his body had switched on autopilot, leaving him to merely watch from the sidelines as he took the offering and said, blankly, "Er, thanks?"

Sanji winked brazenly, the lightly freckled skin of his nose crinkling, and didn't bother replying. In the flash of a smile and the blink of an eye, he was gone. The door was shut and Zoro was left on the doorstep with his itchy face and runny eyes and a bright bouquet of flowers.

What had just happened?


	6. Chapter 6

The rain was horrendous. The impromptu downpour had tipped out of the sky like someone turning the hose on a patch of grass, and Zoro was soaked through. He'd dressed for the weather this morning- a lovely warm day with sunny spells- with no idea it would turn around so bad. His boots were letting in water because he hadn't been able to afford new ones this year and the split holes offered no protection against puddles, his socks were drenched. In fact everything was drenched; his hair, his shorts, his top, and to really add the icing to the cake, the post was starting to get wet too.

Today just really wasn't a good day at all. He fished out another handful of letters, all of them rather important looking and all of them addressed to Sanji Black. He looked up the curlybrow's driveway and saw no sign of him through the rain. Good. He thought briefly to the bouquet at home, neatly arranged into a vase by Nami. What had those flowers meant...

He didn't care. He didn't want to know. All he knew was that whenever Sanji opened the door he was in for anger and some other emotion he couldn't place his finger on but still didn't like regardless.

Walking up the drive as brisk as he could, he slipped the envelopes through the letter slot but paused when he realised the rain had stopped. He looked up and noticed that Sanji's porch gave him just enough protection from the icy water. He pursed his lips and frowned. It didn't seem as if Sanji was in... The car could have been parked in the garage but Sanji would have been here with his shit eating grin already if he was in. And technically he knew Sanji so it wouldn't be weird to wait out the worst of the rain under his porch, right? Right.

He sat down, placing the damp post bag in the lap of his crossed legs, and watched the rain hitting the road and running into the drains. He'd wait five minutes, ten at most, then surely it will move on. He closed his eyes and waited.

Sanji was surprised. Well, hey, anyone would be if they opened the door to collect the milk in and found an enormous living moss asleep on their doorstep. He looked at the shit postman for a good five minutes before actually processing the fact that the moron had fallen asleep on his doorstep dithering in the rain. He rolled his eyes and knew without a doubt he was going to regret this somehow but damn it, Zeff had raised him right. He kicked Zoro harshly in the back, ignoring the string of spat out curses that followed and waited for Zoro to get up from where he now lay face down on the floor to huff at him, "Get your ass inside before you freeze to death, bastard."

Zoro blinked at him dumbly and Sanji sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before saying rather sarcastically, "You. Inside. Warm. Good." He pointed at the rain, "Rain cold. Bad."

The dumb look on Zoro face contorted to a scowl, "Shut the fuck up, I'm not stupid you shitty dartboard brow."

"You could have fooled me," Sanji scoffed, "Now stop being a moron and get in the warmth before I change my mind and let your mossy ass freeze."

Zoro scowled even deeper and muttered something under his breath but took the offer regardless, and stepped inside leaving Sanji to pick up the post bag the terrible postman had forgotten from the front step.


	7. Chapter 7

Sanji's house was… wow. All open spaces and light with a large open kitchen that spread out to an enormous dining room table that could easily sit nine or more people at it. There was a cosy warmth in the air and the smell of something baking and it soothed Zoro right down to his soul. That god awful confusing feeling he got from Sanji tried to rear its ugly head again but Zoro stamped it down as he sat on Sanji's sofa, rubbing water droplets from off his nose that ran down from his hair and scowling.

Something smacked him in the side of the head and it took him a moment to realise Sanji had thrown a towel at him, "You can either dry yourself off or have a shower first, the water's warm, shitty postman."

Zoro scowled even deeper if such a thing was even possible and snatched the towel up, "A shower?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's that thing you use to wash yourself, but clearly you don't know that if you've grown moss on your head." Sanji snarked from where he was stood behind the sofa, leaning over with his lower arms resting on the top of the furniture to smile that shit eating grin.

Zoro turned to snarl at him, "It's not moss!"

"Whatever you say, mosshead…" Sanji smirked and Zoro wanted to punch him so hard in the face, " Hey, I think it's grown even longer since you've been out in the rain."

"Do you think it's funny you asshole to take the pi-" Zoro halted in his tracks at what had happened.

He'd turned even further in his seat to yell the moron down but hadn't quite judged the distance from him to Sanji and now he'd stopped, dead still, as his lips brushed against the corner of Sanji's mouth. That awful feeling couldn't be squashed now and it was having a field day in Zoro's stomach, twisting it into knots and his heart seemed to hammer in his chest so hard and loud he was sure Sanji would hear it. Zoro didn't move, he didn't know if he could move. He sat there, frozen, his lips against the corner of Sanji's.

"Uh-" Sanji was the first to break the odd trance that had come over the postman, "I-" He pulled away to look at Zoro's face and Zoro could see now just how deep those blue eyes were, like a vast ocean pulling him in and he was drowning in them. Sanji was leaning in closer and his lips were mere inches from Zoro's and it felt like everything was slowing down, and those blue eyes…

Something in Zoro seemed to snap awake and he panicked at Sanji's closeness and he stood up, trying to get as much space between them as he could, the towel still in his hand as he fumbled to grab his damp post bag off the coffee table.

He didn't look at Sanji once.

"I- I have to go-" he said, falling over his words and he knew it was rude to show himself out but he had to get away from Sanji and the monster tearing at his stomach. He fled the room, shoved on his boots, left the house, and walked briskly down the driveway, the rain icy cold in his skin. He didn't look back at Sanji's house, didn't check to see if Sanji was there. He couldn't look.

What the hell had that been?


	8. Chapter 8

**For Cidsin on Tumblr.**

Two days.

Two days since that incident at Sanji's house. Zoro hadn't seen the man since, and he didn't want to either.

Or maybe he did... No. He didn't. He didn't want see Sanji Black... right?

Zoro sat at the table in his small apartment on a wooden chair that was well worn and wobbled under weight, staring at the vase on the table. The flowers Sanji had given him were still perked up, but he suspected they would wilt by the end of the week and he'd miss the colour they brought to his drably painted living room. Under his hand, which was resting on the table top, was the towel from Sanji's house, lightly damp but still smelling of the other man's home. His fingers played at it absentmindedly and the softness though pleasing did nothing to settle his restless mind. He knew he had to give the towel back but he couldn't go back there until he knew exactly what it was that Sanji made him feel. Just the thought of those stupid blue eyes made his stomach flip uneasily.

The mobile phone number, the one he'd received from the milk bottles on Sanji's porch... maybe he should call it? Zoro stamped that thought out before it could take root. The little piece of paper with the spidery numbers lay next to the vase and he encased it in his other hand, crumpling it up into a ball and pushing it away from him, but that only made him feel worse. That Sanji had been nothing but trouble since the second they'd met each other and Zoro was beginning to wish they'd never met at all if it would have spared him the headaches.

He pulled out his phone and pulled up the contacts, looking for his boss' name; maybe he could change his postal route? But even thinking about that made some part deep within Zoro ever so slightly mournful, and that only served to make the man even more confused.

Zoro ran a frustrated hand down his face forcefully; just what the hell was it about this Sanji guy?!

He didn't know and Zoro was starting to think that maybe he'd never know what it was that made his stomach flip like it was performing gymnastics at the Olympics. He sighed and got up, leaving the towel behind to fetch a fresh vase of water for the bright bouquet on his table, a symbol for Sanji and all those confusing feelings.

Stupid blondie.


	9. Chapter 9

**If you want to read more chapters of this AU then check out my AO3 under the same pen name 'mustangisinflames' which is also my Tumblr name too where you can send me prompts and stuff!**

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It had been over a week since that awkward almost-kiss had happened and Sanji was annoyed that he'd let such an opportunity slip through his fingers. He'd been trying to catch Zoro for days now delivering the post but it seemed that the man had either changed his postal route or his shift times. It truly seemed like that bird had flown, Zoro didn't want to be a part of his life like that. C'est la Vie and all that shit he supposed.

Sanji stared up at the ceiling as he lay in bed, watching the morning sunlight creep in through a gap in the curtains. After all, he'd barely even known Zoro... So why was Sanji missing him? He put it down to how much delight he got out of riling the ridiculous postman up and yawned lazily, stretching his arms out across the empty spaces either side of his double bed. 'I would have liked to have bedded Zoro' the thought crossed Sanji's mind and he sat up. Time to get ready for work.

As he dried off from the shower he wondered if he should get a dog. It would be nice to have some company around the house and maybe he could train it to bark whenever the mossy postman came to the door. Sanji liked that idea. Yes. A dog would be lovely. He made a mental note to take a look at the local shelter in town and fumbled around for an extra towel for his hair, sighing heavily when he remembered the spare clean towels were downstairs in the basket. He padded down to the hallway on the bottom floor, using the corner of the towel wrapped around his body to wipe the water away from his eyes as his soaking hair dripped onto his lashes.

There was suddenly a knock on the door. Sanji looked at the door and then down at the towel around him. The door knocked again. Crap.

"One minute!" Sanji yelled and ensured the towel was pulled tight. If he kept his body behind the door and leaned his head around then he'll at least save himself some dignity. Another rap of knuckles against the door. "Okay, okay!"

He pushed down the handle and hid his body behind the large door, peeking around and instantly wanting to die inside.

"Zoro?"

The postman was stood on the doorstep looking a little flustered and the bridge of his slightly crooked nose deepened red when his eyes wandered down to Sanji's bare freckled shoulders and the small part of his chest that was visible from around the door. The poor postman looked like a deer in headlights and he clearly hadn't been expecting Sanji to answer the door half naked. Sanji was a little shocked himself but he saw the opportunity here and seized it. He put on a charming smile, "Hello, Mr. Postman." He had to hold in a laugh at Zoro's expression and winked, "Have you come to give me something?"

He didn't care if Zoro wasn't interested; it was just too damn funny to wind the man up. Hearing that seemed to jolt Zoro into action and he fidgeted with his shoulder bag before handing over a poorly wrapped soft looking brown paper parcel.

"For you." Zoro all but blurted and he'd barely let the package touch Sanji's outstretched hands before he took off down the road, leaving Sanji stunned.

"Hey wait! What is it? I didn't..." But Zoro was already gone and no way was Sanji going to run after him in nothing but a towel. He shut the door reluctantly and looked down at the parcel, "I didn't order anything." He muttered to himself.

The package was soft in his hands and he slipped his fingers under the folds, tearing off the paper smoothly and out tumbled the towel he'd let Zoro borrow that day they almost kissed, freshly washed and dried and folded hurriedly. He smiled and rolled it out, intending to wipe his wet hair with it. It smelled nice, warm, comforting even. Had Zoro really been that nervous about giving him a towel back?

There was a little scuffing sound and Sanji looked down as he began to dry his hair at the small piece of card that had fallen to the floor. He leaned down and scooped it up, turning it over where the some of most awful handwriting he'd ever seen was spewed into his vision. But he smiled, laughed even, at the message written on it:

'Thank you, stupid blondie.'

Hopefully he'd be seeing more of the postman again.


End file.
